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a hose - Popular Mechanics

Unfortunately we never got around to waterproofing the interiors of homes. Sorry. We really wanted to do it but things around here have been nothing like we expected. We were busy doing other things. 2001 was a particularly crazy year.

We did invent this thing, the internet, though. And with it, all the waterproofed supplies you can dream up are available for purchase through online retailers. You could probably even find out how to make your own waterproofed living room, drain and all. I’ll teach you how to Google something a bit later.

Oh yeah, Future Housewife, we’ve made many technological advances to help you around the house, just don’t expect to be using a hose indoors. Now there are all kinds of cool gadgets to make wife life easy and fun. There’s one, in particular, you should know about, it’s called the Swiffer. It’s wonderful.

Also, you won’t have to spend your days cooped up in the house! Ladies of the 21st century, if they choose, can head out and join the workforce, like the men. In fact, they’ve become quite competitive. But don’t worry, your housework will be waiting for you when you get home.

I guess I just want to apologize for the waterproof house thing. I’m just as bummed as you are. But I promise you that the other things we’ve been doing could possibly be better than the waterproof idea. Judge for yourself, Future Wife.

Love, Spencer

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I guess this was the next logical step, but I didn’t expect it to come so soon:

From Craigslist

iPhone 4 FaceTime Video Sex Line Chat – free iPhone 4 (NYC/LI)


Date: 2010-06-27, 12:06PM EDT
Reply to: job-dqsyj-1813619670@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


Starting an online interactive pornography firm where woman will use the iphone 4 to video chat with potential customers on a pay as you go basis.
Hours are flexible, pay will increase as the business builds. Woman will receive a free iphone 4 to use as personal time when not working. Woman will talk to potential clients and chat with them and perform various acts as desired by clients. All information will be confidential.

Payment will be based on percentage of sales volume and performance. Potential launch date of the company is 9/1/2010 or based on feedback received.

Woman will receive, as before mentioned, a free cell phone and a very competitive salary.

Please send information and pictures – we would like to launch sooner than 9/1/2010.

Woman must be at least 18 years old.

This bit of technology will destroy an entire industry. Callers will demand both sexy images and voices. The homely housewife trying to make an extra buck will need to find work elsewhere. Kind of a shame.

On a related note: Is it possible that Face Time will rid the planet of a certain kind of  lying? How will we tell people we are somewhere when we’re actually somewhere else? I guess it’d be pretty weird for friends to call your bluff by telling you to Face Time them to prove it; it’d definitely be crossing some kind of line. But it seems to add a whole new dimension to couple and spousal politicking, where distrust and paranoia can be the norm. You said you were going here but every time I tried to FT (Face Time) you, you rejected my call and only texted and should I be worried, cause right now I don’t know if I can trust you. Cause when you don’t FT it makes me suspicious… you get the idea.

In the future this bit won’t be funny.

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“I am my beloved’s. and my beloved is mine.” – Song of Solomon 6:3

Iris Silicone Rechargeable: $125.99

This quote is part of the header over at Book 22, an online Christian store that sells “intimacy products for married couples.”  They have a fine selection of intimacy kits and edibles, aids and jelly rings, or in sinner speak, lube kits and nipple nibblers, dildos and cock rings, respectively.

Ring of Passion: $19.99

This online nook was started by Joy Wilson, a wife and mother who went looking to spice up her sex life in a way that wouldn’t compromise her Christian values. Unfortunately, the market only turned up smut, nude women and men performing illicit acts and the like. Wilson decided to start her own “sin-free” sex toy business, as reported by NPR. When purchasing stock, Wilson says she only goes with products that don’t promote “unholy” sexual activity. Not tough to do when The Son of God is your buyer.

We pray about things before we add them to our site,” she says. “We live our lives very openly in front of Jesus, so we just kind of pray for direction about which way he would have us go, and I have to be honest with you — he’s really surprised us. … Almost our whole entire ‘special order’ page has come about from that. – NPR (Link)

Jesus obviously knows his way around the boudoir, as most of their products are for women. Though, there was this interesting, rubber tube thing for men.

Maven: $36.99

I love this for all of its cognitive dissonance, the cute euphemisms and the use of the Book of Solomon as a way to justify the type of  business this is. I get Joy Wilson’s spiritual intentions, though I think she misses the target, having been blinded by a lucrative opportunity in what I imagine to be an untouched market. And I doubt it’s her husband she’s thinking about when she aids herself.

I like Christians, the more fundamental the better. There isn’t much wiggle room when you are talking about the ultimate truth and I appreciate their conviction, as wacky as it may seem to me. Lord knows I could use some conviction. What I have a difficult time getting over is the idea of Jesus the shill, selling shirts and DVDs and CDs and Books, and now, apparently, dildos. It bums me out. He doesn’t even get royalties.

A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.
Henry Ford

*The fine print on Book 22’s homepage:

We avoid any objectionable wording or pictures in the line of products we offer. Your privacy and protection are important to us. You will not receive anything but what you have ordered. We will not send out unsolicited e-mail or any other material to you. Your information will NOT be sold or given out to anyone by our company.
All products are sold as a novelty only. By clicking on any link here you agree to be a married adult 18 years of age or older. The customer is responsible for following their state laws in regard to viewing or purchasing products from our online store.

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Captain Hook Has A Point

Let’s start this with a video. Push play… wait… wait for it… almost there… OK, NOW!

So is Captain Hook right? Kids are a huge investment and the returns are negligible,  what this guy…

Bryan Caplan

…assumes to be the general sentiment of the populace . Maybe it’s true, I wouldn’t know, but it sounds like it isn’t something you’d be called crazy for saying. Anyway, this guy,

Bryan and Corina Caplan

pictured here during childless, pre-contact lense, perhaps happier, times, says that it’s a flawed generalization. You can read the article HERE.

1. Happiness research has shown that you feel the leak in your happiness tank the most with your first child, and that it lessens incrementally with each child, thereafter.

A closer look at the General Social Survey also reveals that child No. 1 does almost all the damage. Otherwise identical people with one child instead of none are 5.6 percentage points less likely to be very happy. Beyond that, additional children are almost a happiness free lunch. Each child after the first reduces your probability of being very happy by a mere .6 percentage points.

There was a time in our history when having more kids was an economic advantage. More kids meant more laborers. However, modern living has placed less need, less value, on child-rearing, a phenomena demonstrated by falling birth rates throughout the industrialized world. Let’s face it, until I have some hay to be baled, some utters to be tugged or seeds to be sown, having children would be a drag, and potentially impede my right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Not so, Caplan says, after the first one, you barely notice it.

This leads me to point two.

2. Parents have little to no influence over the kind of people their children will become. Studies have shown that a child’s projection is largely determined by biology.

Parents use many tactics to influence their kids’ schooling and future income. Some we admire: reading to kids, helping them with homework, praising hard work. Others we resent: fancy tutors, legacy admissions, nepotism. According to the research, however, these tactics barely work. Dartmouth economist Bruce Sacerdote studied about 1,200 families that adopted disadvantaged Korean children. The families spanned a broad range; they only needed incomes 25% above the poverty level to be eligible to adopt. Nevertheless, family income and neighborhood income had zero effect on adoptees’ ultimate success in school and work.

Interestingly enough, living in Korea, I have come to realize the tremendous amount parents sacrifice, with the hopes of rearing productive, successful, wealthy kids. With school, English lessons, Math lessons, piano lessons, taekwondo lessons, art lessons, some kids don’t make it home till around midnight. These lessons aren’t cheap.  Mothers take out huge loans to send their children abroad to study during their middle and high school years. “Idiots, all of them!” says Caplan. Your kids will end up the way God intended them to be so why don’t you shelve The Very Hungry Caterpillar and have a soak or make yourself a drink.

3. Child-rearing haters aren’t thinking about the long-term benefits of their potentially meager – as Caplan has shown – investments. Old age comes to most and during those years, it is a joy to be surrounded by loved ones.

As you weigh your options, don’t forget that the costs of kids are front-loaded, and the benefits are back-loaded. Babies are a lot of work even if you’re easy on yourself. But the older kids get, the more independent they become; eventually, you’ll want them to find time for you. So when weighing whether to have another child, you shouldn’t base your decision on how you feel after a few days—or months—of sleepless nights with a new baby. Focus on the big picture, consider the ideal number of children to have when you’re 30, 40, 60 and 80, and strike a happy medium. Remember: The more kids you have, the more grandkids you can expect. As an old saying goes, “If I had known grandchildren were this much fun I would have had them first.”

When I’m wrinkly and gray it’ll be nice to have someone to mow my lawn  and listen to the same rambling stories I’ve been telling my whole life.

So who’s right? Caplan or Captain Hook? I’m in no position to make any judgments on this topic. I just hope my folks didn’t have too terrible a time bringing me up, and that I’ll be able to make good on my debts eventually. Happy Father’s Day… and Mother’s Day.

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